Christmas is an exciting day filled with the joys of opening presents and spending time with family.  It had always been an even happier day at this household because Sadie was born on Christmas Day in 2007.  This year she would have been 4 years old.  If you are new to the Doodling Dogs blog, you may not know that Sadie passed away very suddenly in June (Read: Sadie’s Story).  It has now been 6 months that I have been without my girl, and she is missed everyday.  Without getting into too many emotions because it is supposed to be a jolly day, I will simply say that I love, miss and wish that Sadie was here today for Christmas.

Sadie loved opening presents that I carefully wrapped for her to tear through in just a matter of seconds.  What Sadie really loved was wearing clothes and posing for pictures.  Some people consider dressing up dogs cruel and unusual, and putting jackets on a Beagle isn’t the most typical dog to dress up, but Sadie really did love her clothes.  Her wardrobe contained a few jackets, a T-Shirt and some holiday items.  During the winter Sadie would stand in front of the closet where he jacket hung and wait there until I put it on her.  Once she was dressed in her furry hood she would go curl up in bed.  I loved taking pictures of Sadie because she would immediately start posing when the camera came out.  She is making almost the same face in all of my pictures, but she stood still and looked at the camera the whole time which was a huge plus.

Sadie is definitely missed this year, but I know that she is in a happier place where I hope she is able to wear warm coats and sniff around to her hearts content.

Everywhere I look lately I am surrounded by Beagles.  Whether it is at the dog park, walking down the street or following one of my favorite blogs Luna, A Dog’s Life; Beagles are popping up everywhere, which leaves me wondering if I could handle owning another one.

Before Sadie I had never had much interest in the breed.  From what I had seen they were extremely noisy and always getting into trouble.  I remember my first interaction with a Beagle came when I was in Elementary school and the neighbors Beagle was always getting out of their backyard.  She wasn’t out running away, but instead would be a few houses down sniffing and following her nose.  I was usually the one to bring her back to her house and luckily she had proper ID tags on.  It was at this time I was thinking of which dog breed I would own when I was older.  The list was even longer back then, but now that I know more about my lifestyle and which breeds would fit in, it has shrunk significantly.

When I was getting ready to move out of my parents house and go off to college I knew it was the time to get my first dog.  I was looking at rescuing some sort of pitbull mix or shepherd mix, sticking with something bigger and with at least a little protective instinct.  I was showing my mom pictures one night of a few dogs I was looking at and she said why not something smaller like a Beagle?  I began considering the idea and did a quick search of Beagles on Craigslist and that is when I found Sadie.  She was 5 months old and needing to be rehomed.  I guess it was love at first sight and 2 days later she was mine.

I could write posts for months about all of the special times and things Sadie and I did together, but right now thinking back on those times would make me too sad.  It comes down to I do not know if I could ever own another Beagle again.  I know that there are many people out there who fall in love with a particular dog breed and end up owning only that.  I could easily get a Beagle that had different coloring and did not look like Sadie, but the mannerisms of a Beagle would still be there.  Beagles are truly one of the sweetest and most loving dog breeds.  They can be a little stubborn and independent, but make amazing companions that are gentle and friendly with both other dogs and young children.

If I got another Beagle in a way it would feel like I were cheating on or trying to replace Sadie.  Next week will mark 5 months that Sadie will have been gone.  I have tried doing some volunteer work with a local Beagle rescue, but they were a little unorganized and it unfortunately fell through.  If I do not get another Beagle, I want to be working directly with Beagles in a volunteer setting or maybe in a way with my blogging.  Beagles will always hold a very special place in my heart and although I truly love the breed and would love to own one, I am not sure if there will be a little Beagle pup underneath this years Christmas Tree.

I have mentioned on here before that Sadie loved getting into the garbage and hiding food in the couches or in my bed.  She did this several times with pizzas and a few times it happened with Jack in the Box tacos.  For those of you who have not eaten or seen a Jack in the Box taco, they are not the most appetizing things.  When in college they are a wonderful thing to eat in a rush, but one must eat them in the dark for fear of seeing what they really look like. 

Today marks 3 months that Sadie has been gone.  I try to keep myself busy which two jobs, school full time and running a blog will do J.  There are some moments during the day, usually when I am alone and stuck in my own head where I will think of all of the memories we shared together both good and bad.

Today marked 2 months that Sadie has been gone.  It is definitely still hard when I think of her or see something that reminds me of her.  The day that Sadie was put to sleep I had put her kennel, food bowls, food, toys and anything else that reminded me of her in the extra bedroom underneath blankets.  I was doing some cleaning in that room a few days ago and had left the door open for a few minutes as I was going in and out.  A few minutes later many of Sadie’s favorite toys like her sheep, Ellie the elephant, lion and a few others were thrown about all over the house.  I was so angry at Leila for getting into them but thought to myself, why am I getting angry at her?  There was no point keeping all of Sadie’s toys hidden away and they were meant to be played with, so I decided I would slowly let Leila start playing with them.  There are a select few that I will keep that were Sadie’s absolute favorites.

We open up our hearts to precious animals with one day facing the inevitable of them passing.  After having just gone through this I know how hard it is to move on and want to share my experiences with those going through the same thing.

• Having another dog in the house really is helpful.  I know that some people run out and get a new puppy a few days after losing their pet.  I might get another dog one day but could never replace her that quickly.  By getting a new pet so soon I feel that it will help you feel better but is just pushing down those feelings you have of your lost pet.  But another dog will make you not feel so lonely and will definitely keep you busy especially if you have a puppy.
• I have done many things to keep her memory alive.  I just recently picked up the portrait I had of her done and it absolutely beautiful.  Pictures do not do this painting justice and it captures her complete essence perfectly.

• When I put Sadie to sleep I received a clay paw print and her individual ashes back.  I went to the store and bought a shadow box which I placed her paw print and a favorite picture in it and I bought a photo box for her ashes.  The photo box is a very nice black wooden box that has pictures of her on the outside and her ashes inside.  It is the perfect urn type box and was only a fraction of what pet urns cost.  As many of you know I also got Sadie’s paw print tattooed on my foot.  This is a very special personal memory of her that I can always see and know that she is with me.

It has been three weeks now that I have had my tattoo and I still love it.  I do not regret my tattoo at all and feel like the placement could not have been more perfect.  When I look down at it I feel that in every step I take Sadie is there with me and I love having that feeling.

Jennifer Aniston's tattoo of her dog's name "Norman"

By the way just a week after I got my tattoo pictures of Jennifer Aniston came out with her dog’s name tattooed on the side of her foot.  Dog’s touch a very special place in our hearts and I now understand why people want to get some kind of memorial tattoo for them.

Since I am unable to talk to anyone in my life about how much I miss Sadie and wish that she was here, I am left with venting to anyone that will listen.  Although I have Leila in my life it has not begun to fill the gap inside of me that I am constantly feeling.  These are some of the things I miss the most and think of nonstop:

• When living in my Condo last year we lived on the third story with an outdoor staircase/entry way.  Whenever we opened the door Sadie would bolt out the door and down all three of those flights of stairs.  She would then continue running until she got to the grass yard where she would immediately roll over and submit when we finally caught up with her.
• Whenever we left our current house Sadie would put her little face in the window and watch us leave.  The window still was the perfect height where she could rest her head and it was one of the most beloved, adorable memories I have of her.
• When it was time for bed I would tell Sadie it was “Night Night Time” and we would run up the stairs together and jump in bed.  She would then nudge my arm until I let her “Undies” which was under the covers.  I would also wake up during the night by being nudged until I woke up and let her “Undies.”
• Another thing that Sadie used to do that touched my heart was when we were sleeping she always had to be touching me.  Whether it was resting her head on my leg, foot or even my back at times she always had to be right there with me.
• I miss coming home from a long day of work and being greeted by Sadie.  She would hear the garage opening and by the time I got to the door she was right there waiting for me.  She was always so excited to see me when I came home and would greet me with kisses.  I regret not taking those moments more seriously and paying more attention to her.  I would always pet her and talk to her but I wish I had hugged her or played with her a little more.
• The one memory I cannot get out of my head is the last memory I have of Sadie.  We were leaving the vet office right after she had gone to another place and I wish I had turned around and gone back into the room where it had happened and just held her one more time.  It would not have mattered to her because she was no longer there but I wish that I had just hugged her body one more time before I left.

In a matter of 48 hours my entire life was turned upside down.  On Monday June 6th, in the afternoon I took Leila and Sadie to my parents house where they have a bigger backyard and pool for them to swim in (Sadie absolutely loved swimming).  They ran around and wrestled with each other in the backyard for hours.  When we returned home Sadie started acting different.  She was laying in her kennel like she usually does and when I called her and she came out she was yelping.  I was very concerned and went to get a closer look at her and when I touched her she yelped in pain again.  She slinked very slowly to underneath the coffee table and was shaking.  I could tell that she was in pain and thought that maybe she over did it with Leila earlier in the day and her hips were hurting her.  I gave her some pain medication and she quieted down a bit and was resting in her kennel.  On Tuesday she was yelping in pain again so I decided it was time to see the Vet.  After an examination it was determined that her hips appeared normal and that her spine seemed painful.  Radiographs showed that she had a bulging disc in her lower spine.  We were given pain medication and muscle relaxers and told to keep her very low key for the next 3 weeks.  I was a little concerned because we had already planned my dream trip for Sadie; taking her to San Diego so that she could swim at Dog Beach.

She seemed to be responding from the new medication okay when suddenly around 11pm she tried to get out of her kennel and her back legs were dragging behind her.  I immediately ran over to her and tried helping her stand up- thinking that this was due to the muscle relaxer she was on.  After giving her a look over I knew we needed to go to the emergency vet.  When we arrived I knew by how we were treated this was serious.  They did a Neurological exam and it was determined that her back end was completely paralyzed.  She was unable to move her back legs, tail and urinate on her own.  We had a choice to do a $7000 surgery that would fix the discs on her spine but there was only a 10% chance that she would ever regain the ability to urinate on her own and use her back legs.  I had to make the hardest decision of my life.  I was very blessed to have my boyfriend with me at this time.  Although I wanted to do everything possible for Sadie I knew deep down that putting her through this strenuous of a surgery for only a 10% of recovery was not in her best interest.  We made the decision to take her home and put her to sleep in the morning.  We came home from the emergency vet about 3 am in the morning.  I am surprised to this day that I was able to sleep that night.  I had the vet give her everything she could for pain to make her comfortable for her last night but she was still very agitated.  The worst part was watching her struggling to use her back legs.  I cannot imagine the confusion she must have felt when she had no feeling at all in her back end.  We came home and cuddled together in bed for the last time.  I held her all night long and cried my eyes out.  I managed to get a few hours of sleep and early in the morning on Wednesday we were off to the Vet to put her to sleep.  We were greeted with understanding and caring when we arrived.  I held onto her as long as I could but knew what needed to happen.  Holding her close to me the doctor administered the injections.  I felt her head go numb, fall into my shoulder and she was gone.  I had been brave the whole time but this was my breaking point.  I could not control my feelings any longer and the tears really came out.  My best friend who I was only able to spend time with for 3 1/2 years was gone.  We left the Vet and I wanted nothing but to lay in my bed alone.

My biggest regret to this day is not turning back and giving her one more hug before we left the Vet.  Even if she was gone I wish I could have held her just one last time.  I have been dealing with my grief and finding ways to cope with my loss.  My biggest way of remembering her is the tattoo I got on my foot.  This is my first and only tattoo (so far) and is very special to me.  When we took Sadie to be put to sleep we were given a clay paw print.  I took that paw print and got her exact paw print only shrunk a little smaller on my foot.  It was painful but I imagine that Sadie was in pain her final hours.  I look down at her paw print and know that with every step I take Sadie is there with me.  Yes I know that does sound corny.  I am also getting a portrait of Sadie painted and will be getting that in about 3-4 weeks, and am excited to see how that turns out.

I think of Sadie every moment of every day and the smallest things will bring tears to my eyes.